Help from above?

I'm having a bad day.  My financial situation is getting more difficult.  Today, I had to speak, on the phone, with a representative of the bank that holds my mortgage.  I'm in default on my mortgage several months.  At the end of the conversation, I was hurt, depressed humiliated and frightened.  I feel that the bank, in its focus on its own interests, has no concern for my welfare and will think nothing of destroying what's left of my life in order to squeeze the last penny from me that they can get.  I don't have much left.

Despite that, I found myself, from time to time, throughout the day, between phone calls and attempted faxes and minor errands, returning to a sense of myself in the midst of all these racing thoughts and frantic emotions, questioning how to look at the mess.  Certainly I feel in prison, but not in the spiritual sense I usually think of it.  In my current situation, I feel imprisoned by the bank and by our society's focus on money.  It makes me very angry and I want to run away.

Yet again I return to sensations of myself, my body, my racing thoughts, constriction in my chest from anxiety, reaction after reaction, reaction to reaction, trying to find a way through; a way back to a comfortable sleep.  But, what about me?  Certainly, I am caught in this mess, feeling that I'm serving a corporation, but this is the world we live in.  What about me?

How can I look at this mess in a way that shows me something about my inner world as well as the world we all live in?  Mostly I see reactions.  In the instances I remember myself, I try to draw my attention inwardly, some of that is automatically dissipated; I'm separate from the situation; more free.  It all comes flooding back and I'm taken by the thoughts and reactions again.  That's my inner situation.  I don't see myself being taken; I only see myself in the seconds when I remember myself again.  I don't know what reminds me to try to be present.  I don't know what is able to make that effort once I remember.  I'm dependent on these accidental moments.

At one point, I was speaking with the lawyer on the phone.  She's not a counselor, she's a lawyer but I needed somebody to talk to.  I'm afraid of what can befall me.  She said that the bank is simply collecting information about my situation to make a business decision about what they can expect to recoup from me.  On my end it's very personal; not so on their end.  I know I'm going to be hurt in many ways; they're neither intending nor interested in that one way or another.  It was very helpful to hear that.  It settled my head a little, calmed me, the bank, the world is indifferent to me; to my plight.  I am the only entity interested in me.  But what me in the mids of it?  Who am I?  How am I?

Some believe that everything happens for a reason.  I think almost everything is accidental, haphazard.  Some believe that we are given what we need when we need it.  I believe that almost everything is accidental, haphazard.  Some people believe that some of us are looked after by something larger than ourselves.

I believe that something inside myself knows how to make use of whatever circumstances present themselves.  Something knew to hear what the lawyer said and to find myself and separate from my thoughts and reactions to the situation.  I believe it's something we're all given at birth but often gets buried beneath years of accidental misperceptions, miscommunications, miseducation and more.  Whatever that or those intelligences are within ourselves needs to be seen, grown, educated; they don't grow on their own; our educational systems don't feed them.  Something inside myself knows how to be.  It's what I've learned I actually pray to.  It's what I pray for.  I need to give it more attention.  I need to know myself more; to BE more.