Ego

Sitting was difficult this morning; not an unusual occurrence.  I watched a series of Is pass through, quickly, as I tried to maintain some attention on the exercise; not very successfully.

I usually forget, when I'm speaking, when I'm thinking, in every situation that I have any attention at all, that it's only 1 single I that's present.  Whoever is present, at any given moment, I think of as I.  But, occasionally, this morning, it's clear that it's just a tiny fragment.  Who is it?

Later, I read several things online that reminded me of my own professional egoism.  I felt an intense reaction of distaste before remembering my own egoism in similar situations to those described.  

Outside of securing the necessities of life:  food, shelter - most of our activity, attention and energy seems to be spent satisfying the insatiable craving of the ego.  What is there that can give some balance to that?

How to Work?

My attention was/is muddy this morning.  I don't know how to Work.  Between those rare gifts of clear, bright Presence and my usual state of complete sleep there seems to be an expanse of degrees of attention.  

Clearly there is some desire for a High, an Altered State of Consciousness but I can't Do that.  I can't make that happen.  I've been there but - is that desire...?  

And, so, to the morning Work.  What's there?  Who's there?  

Is it possible to be in a meandering daydream, memory, and still have sensation of my body?  Who's daydreaming?  Who's aware of my body?

What is Work?

What calls me?

Sitting was difficult this morning.  I never know why.  To sit and be present, in my body, where I'm sitting, would seem such an easy thing.  Not this morning.  I was immediately off - so many places, doing so many things, planning so many things, working things out, in my head, in my imagination.  And, then I'm back.  It's something I haven't seen clearly.  What brings me back?

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I do want to say that I don't find lead meditation as useful or as interesting as this.  To have someone lead me through a similar process seems to me to appeal to a part of me that isn't necessarily interested in seeing what's actually going on.  I have my own Work.  I need to see what's actually happening; what's actually at work.