Payment

"Everything I wish has to be paid for.  If I wish to have a new state, I must sacrifice the old.  We never get more than we give up.  What we receive is proportional to what we sacrifice."  -- The Reality of Being, Jeanne de Salzmann

Can I sacrifice my negativity?

Can I sacrifice my self-righteousness?

Can I sacrifice my self loathing?

What I need to sacrifice are my illusions about myself:  that I'm thoughtful; that I'm sensitive; that I know things; that I'm a good person; that I'm honest; that I know what's right; that I'm aware.

I may be those things - sometimes.  Can I see myself when I am not?  Can I stand in front of the truth that sometimes I hate; sometimes I cheat; sometimes I'm selfish; sometimes I'm incompetent; sometimes I'm lazy; many, many times I don't know what's right; most of the time I'm not present to myself, therefore, most of the time I'm functioning in sleep.

I must learn to be sincere with myself.  I can live my life, completely automatically, mechanically; the universe doesn't need me to be aware of my life.  Most of the time, I prefer to live automatically, mechanically.  It's easy. It's comfortable.  Unless and until I can see that, there is no other possibility.