Decades ago, before I had encountered the Gurdjieff ideas, when I had left the church I was "raised" in and first began my search for something that would fulfill my desire to be, in various religious and spiritual literatures I encountered the concept of dying to oneself.  To me, at that time, it seemed an extreme and frightening idea.  Recently, I find that how I identify myself, to myself, is an obstacle; a prison.  Interestingly, I notice that the behavior and reactions of others to me reinforces that identity.  I'm feeling the desire to radically shake up, break up, maybe even destroy that identity; in order to make room for the higher energy, consciousness, that is always there but with which connection is more often lost than present.  When I sense how I usually identify myself, the desire is there for that identity to be gone but I don't know how to make it go away.  What am I, if not that?  How do I function without that?  And, this is where I stand, on the edge of a cliff, wanting to jump but also afraid.

I never sought asceticism or self flagellation.  There was a time when monasticism seemed attractive but it was brief.  There are enough difficulties in life to provide substance for study of my self; who and what I am; I don't need them to be created for me.

There are realities that I see and have learned to accept.  There are others that I feel can be changed with the same effort needed to accept them.

I'm feeling that certain artificial complications designed to put me in front of myself are not only no longer necessary but not something I'm as willing to accept.  I'm willing to make a clearly necessary effort.  I'm willing to endure necessary discomforts.  I'm no longer willing to do either in some cases simply to accept a form or tradition.

Perhaps I'm wrong and I should continue to comply with these artifices. Perhaps it's my age and I'm more interested in my personal comfort than in suffering unnecessarily, particularly when there is suffering that is unavoidable.

There are adjustments in my external life that I've made and continue to make because I see no reason to put myself in the middle of a situation that takes more of my time and effort than I feel I benefit from.  I once had an appointment with a physician who had neither parking nor a receptionist.  I arrived early and drove around for nearly half an hour trying to find a parking place and waited in an empty foyer for longer than I felt was courteous before seeing him.  I never went back.  Why would I?

Perhaps I'm being too easy on myself.  

In everything, it's possible to see my functions, my considering, my wish.

I sit in question....